A little late to the party but then I’m behind in just about everything at the moment.  No joke – everything.  More on that further down the page.

The idea behind “Things I’m Afraid To Tell You” is that its good to be honest.  I mean really honest for a change.
We read these blogs and look at sites like Pinterest and see all these wonderful things and these wonderful lives but for a lot of the time, those lives are just things.  Where is the heart behind them?  Where is the disappointment, the trials or the failures?  Surely not everything works out?  Surely not every day is a sunny day?

I like to think I am pretty open about my life but I also think that I blog the good bits and leave the rest.  I often think “no one wants to read about that Tara” and so I leave out over half my day.  Because life is NOT all sunshine and rainbows.  Because I don’t think I am wearing the best outfit, because lots of days are hard.

I look back through my Drafts folder and think of all the things I wanted to say.
The original tag line for this blog was “the online version of the diary that lived under my bed” but it’s not.  It is more like “the highly edited online version of parts of the diary that still lives under my bed because I need somewhere to write other stuff down”.  So I’m cheating myself and I feel like a lot of the time I am lying by omission.

I hate money.  I pay rent and a mortgage. I buy things I don’t need.  I go grocery shopping and then things just die in my refridgerator.  I earn enough but don’t seem to do anything with it.  Savings – what??  I am a demon with a budget spreadsheet but if I think of money as more than numbers in a cell, then it freaks me out.  My eftpos card has occupational overuse syndrome as I don’t like having cash in my wallet.  Its all just a little bit strange.

I leave everything to the last minute.  I’ve been at work for 49 minutes and there are at least two things that I need to have completed today but I am finishing this post instead.  I have a session planned in about 4 hours time and chances are I will just be putting the last things together when I need to be in the room.  I tell myself I have lost my motivation because I am not enjoying this job and am not comfortable in how well I can do it .. but the truth is ……….. I’m like this with most things.

I’m jealous of my brothers.  Marriage, babies, living overseas.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them.  But I’m the older sister – shouldn’t I have been leading the game on all that?

I’m a terrible terrible passenger.  I thought I was going to have a panic attack on the way to the Wairarapa the other weekend – which only makes the driver more uncomfortable and unconfident.  I’d prefer to drive even if I am tired.  I don’t know how to fix this.

I don’t like “vintage” mainly for some of the outfits that these women put together or how beautiful their rooms look.  And yes I know I am looking at a picture of how they were at one time … but the other thing with these outfit photographs and/or posts is that seeing someone else so put together leaves me with feelings of inadequacy.  Of unstylishness.  In fact, a woman in a good suit does the same thing.  I have no style.  I don’t like the clothes in my wardrobe – they are simply pieces of material in colours I like that cover my fat.

I’ve put on so much weight in the last year and I don’t know what to do about it – or where to start.  I make myself feel better about it as I gave up smoking and, because of my ear troubles, I haven’t been doing nearly as much diving as before but it makes me so unhappy that I can’t see a fix for it.  I know it will get to a tipping point and I’ll do something but I don’t know when that will be and I fear I will only make it worse until then.

This is where it all started:

Jess writes “more cake, less icing” – http://makeundermylife.com/the-icing-or-the-cake/

Ez from Creature Comforts – http://www.creaturecomfortsblog.com/home/2012/5/3/things-im-afraid-to-tell-you.html
I love Allison’s blog and sent her a tweet to tell her that I would be doing it too – allison lehman : show + tell / Things I’m Afraid To Tell You.

There are some wonderful posts out there and my Google Reader has had a great lift in blogs by real people – who I know now have just as many “Things I’m Afraid To Tell You”.